Demetri Martin

When someone describes themselves as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

Epictetus

He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at.

Robin Williams

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

Tom Waits

I like beautiful melodies telling me terrible things.

Gilda Radner

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

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Ronald Reagan

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.